First International Hydrogen Call Competition
The recent disturbing trends of natural gas discovery in the offshore Gulf Coast region, being the extension of record drilling depths from approximately 2500 feet in 1995 to over 5000 feet in 1996 with projects already underway in 1997 of over 8000 feet, have convinced the Department of Defense to redesign the defense strategy of the United States of America, i.e. when all the ramifications are considered, rather than try to defend systems that are ultimately unsustainable as past and present strategies have laboriously effected, the better way to defend a country is to build a sustainable economy --which is by conceptual definition globally replicable and therefore doesn't need defending. Having taken into consideration the nonsustainable nature of present energy consumption trends, the advocation of a reduction of economic growth in its exponential nature become malignant was contemplated, but the aspiration was judged irremediably sacred.
A second consideration stems from comments made by Richard Stallman, one of the geniuses in computer science from MIT, who recently asserted while in Mexico City that the US is about to be able to broadly transform its method of power generation into one whereby private electric vehicles powered by fuel cells will be capable of generating surplus electricity to feed into, and thus substantially comprise, the national power grid. As it was uncertain whether Mr. Stallman was referring to Cold Fusion or more traditionally powered cells, there was an interest on behalf of the National Autonomous University of Mexico in not being left behind as to the possibility of such transformation being due to hydrogen related techniques --the Mexican climate, lamentably, being considered too warm for potential interest in Cold Fusion.
It was decided to pursue both an alternative source to natural gas and exploration of probable prerequisites to the transformation outlined by Mr. Stallman: with respect for the sacredness of exponential growth, reality is to be persuaded to adapt to this cherished momentum rather than the contrary. Toward these ends, the Department of Defense of the United States of America and the Institute of Physics of the National Autonomous University of Mexico are proud to announce their joint sponsoring of the First International Hydrogen Call Competition.
Furthermore, it was determined that in as much as this is a first time event for the call of hydrogens, extra-departmental expertise would be consulted to avoid as much as possible any mismanagement of the event. Slim Clemmons, the three-time and present world turkey calling champion has been retained toward this end, and his advice has helped us to measurably advance beyond where we would have otherwise.
It has been decided that the participant must be able to call in a minimum of five pounds of hydrogen in one hour to have a qualifying call. Slim has stated that "If a feller cain't warble in ten pounds of turkey in an hour then he might as well go on home and git himself one of them frozen TV dinners". In as much as the newness of our competition reduces probability of prior competitive experience, we have decided to halve that proscription down to five pounds instead of ten. We do not think that should be unreasonably difficult to achieve in light of the plentifulness of hydrogen. As one of our resident physicists has affirmed, "You can't hardly get away from the stuff".
It is important to state that all calls are to be self-contained or human derived, that is, there can be no usage of extraneous non-solar power sources, such as interconnections to the electric grid, or chemical conversions of other compounds of matter into the desired. Each participant will be allowed the volume of 1/10 cubic meter to contain the device effecting his call should it not be solely on an oral basis, and cannot deploy more than five square meters of ground space, thus allowing for a reasonable access to solar energy. The call device, in case thereof, can be made out of any materials, hand or machine fashioned, the complete description of which must be presented along with a confirming demonstration of the claimed ability before the judging committee, prior to awarding the prize.
This will of course be a pure call event, with non-acceptance of mixtures of hydrogen with any other elements. As Slim commented, "If you're after turkey you don't want ducks and coots flying all around, now do ya?" Each qualifying finalist will present his hydrogen as a contained liquid and it will be analyzed by the Ion electroscope method using a triple tower diffractor at the Institute of Physics to make sure that it is within the acceptable purity limits of 99.9% Hydrogen. We feel that should be an acceptable grade of purity to all concerned as it's certainly more lenient than having to be simply 100% turkey.
The winner will receive 10,000,000 US$ from the Department of Defense and will be invited to a week of fine street cuisine and a sightseeing tour of the walled streets in Mexico City on behalf of the N.A.U.M. --at the first opportunity in which we feel assured that the air pollution will remain for the specified time period below the threshold levels established by the United Nations as tolerable for a half-hour a year, or 100 I.M.E.Q.S.1 We feel this is judicious because although we are now too stupidified to notice when we drop down a handful of IQ points due to the frequently serious air pollution, its does seems to bother others who who just don't seem to be as willing to spare as much for the benefit of the automobile industry.
--Morningthunder
Satyagraha: Next
1 International Metropolitan Environmental Quality Standards: The United Nations states that a population should sustain no more than one-half hour of 100 IMEQS per year. Mexico curtails its automobile traffic when the IMEQS level gets to 250.